Overcoming Powerlessness in a Narcissistic Relationship: 5 Actionable Strategies

ARE YOU FEELING POWERLESS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST?

This blog post summarizes points covered in a podcast I had the opportunity to record with Unfilteredd, a community that provides support and resources to those who have been impacted by relationships with narcissists. In the Unfilteredd Podcast Episode 99, Powerlessness—5 Actionable Strategies for Overcoming Powerlessness, we cover how powerlessness is present in both the narcissist and the recipient of narcissistic abuse. We go on to discuss a definition of powerlessness. We then talk about five actionable steps you can take to overcome those feelings of powerlessness.

THE NARCISSIST ALSO FEELS POWERLESS

Victims of narcissist abuse may develop feelings of powerless after being subjected to insults, put downs, and hurtful behaviors over time. Yet it should also be noted that the narcissist also feels powerless—it is this feeling that drives the narcissistic behavior and thinking. The narcissist can be thought of as the schoolyard bully who has really low self-esteem and wants to make up for those feelings by asserting domination over another person.

As we consider how you, as the recipient of narcissistic abuse, can reclaim your power, it is my goal to outline the healthy ways to reclaim that power. You don't want to reclaim power in such a way that you then inadvertently, or purposefully, hurt others as perhaps a narcissist would. This will be discussed in further detail in step four.

WHAT IS POWERLESSNESS?

It may also be important to consider what is powerlessness or this feeling of powerlessness. Overall it has a lot to do with feeling like you don't have a voice, you don't have a say in things, your opinion doesn't matter, you don't have power to change a negative situation, and you don't have the power to change the behaviors and comments of the narcissist. Some or all of these points may resonate with you but it’s important that you also consider what powerlessness means to you.

Perhaps you feel like your own life has become quite a mess having this narcissist in your life. Maybe you don't know how you can come up out of this feeling or the situation. Powerlessness is a state of mind; it is the attitude, perception, and belief that you don't have power. If you're feeling that way, you're probably in a very low and discouraged place. Therefore, it's crucial to remember, assuming you have healthy cognitive functioning and don't have some type of neurological disorder, you do have control of your mind and you will always have control of your mind. The narcissist can take that from you.

To illustrate this point I’ll reference one of my absolute favorite books, Man’s Search for Meaning, by Dr. Victor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a preeminent psychiatrist who was practicing in Austria as the Second World War broke out. The first two-thirds of the book are his autobiographical account of being a prisoner in concentration camps. This of course is one of the most powerless situations a person could be in. Yet he has moments in the camps where in between experiencing the horrors, he catches a glimpse of a beautiful sunset. He is solely focused on the sky and the gorgeous colors. This is one little reminder that although he does not have control over his horrific circumstances, he has control over what he chooses to focus upon. It is truly remarkable that any kind of positivity could be found in such a situation. In this terrible situation, he still finds his power, in controlling his thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs.

STEP ONE: ADMITTING YOU FEEL POWERLESS

For those of you who are familiar with 12 step programs you know from where this first step originates. In any 12 step program the first step is to admit you are powerless and acknowledge that circumstances have become unmanageable. And why is that? It's a very important acknowledgement. Admitting you're powerless and your life has become unmanageable acknowledges the gravity of the situation. It is not an admission of defeat, but rather a breaking of denial by taking honest assessment of the situation.

With this admission, you are saying, “I have lost my power. I used to feel confident. I used to feel good about myself.” You are acknowledging there has been a change you don’t like or that you’ve come to a place you don’t like. In the case where you were raised by a narcissist you may never have felt fully confident or good about yourself. Admitting powerlessness breaks the defense of denial. In admitting this level of despair and shattering denial, the desire for change may be ignited.  

With this step there's not necessarily something formal you must do. It is mainly a shift in your thinking. It is an insight. You may want to put it to paper, but it is something that is important you really feel down in your soul.

STEP 2: TAKE AN INVENTORY OF THE SITUATION

This step is an actionable step that you can carry out behaviorally by doing some writing or journaling. I would suggest taking pen to paper and answering some questions for yourself.

• How are you powerless?

• In what ways have you lost your voice?

• What does power mean to you?  

• What would it look like if you regained your power?

Again, for people who are children of narcissists you may have never felt any kind of power, and so this process may not be about regaining power but rather claiming it for the first time. Just know it may be quite challenging to imagine something you've never had. You may want to consider people you know or have observed who you think demonstrate appropriate power and confidence. Let those models be your guide. Consider what it is about them that exudes confidence. Make a list of your observations and thoughts. Now consider in what ways can you try to emulate these traits.

For people who have had power and lost it in a narcissistic relationship as an adult, be it friendship, romantic relationship, or a workplace relationship, think back to what your life was like when you did have that power. Ask yourself:

• How did I feel?

• What was I doing?

• How was I spending my time?

• What helped me to feel confident?

Now consider in what ways you can take actions to recreate those circumstances again. Try writing down simple, clear action steps you can take.

STEP 3:  UNDERSTAND IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

The keyword here is “understand.” In this step I strongly encourage education. You must educate yourself about narcissism. You must understand what it is. There are many ways to do this. Unfilteredd offers many great resources, for instance. You can listen to podcasts, you can read books on the subject, you can watch YouTube videos, and you can go to therapy.

I think it's very important you understand what you're dealing with. Until you acquire that knowledge, it’s common to think you're just going crazy. You think it’s something you’ve done. You believe the lies and manipulation. You recognize this person is treating you so poorly, and you just don't understand why it's happening.

It's important to know what you're dealing with so that you can learn some strategies to maintain your power. You can reclaim your power through education because then you start to realize it's not me, it's you. You come to learn narcissists are severely insecure, often from experiencing abuse or narcissistic abuse themselves. This is who they have become unfortunately, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Narcissism is a personality disorder, and personality disorders are disorders of the personality structure that are not typically amenable to change. Compare having a disorder of personality make-up to a bout of depression, for instance; the depression can be improved upon and go into remission in many cases.

You must know who you're dealing with so that you can strategize, so that you learn not to believe the lies or fall for the manipulations. For children of narcissists it’s difficult to realize that the words of your parent(s) were untrue. It’s crucial to remember that just because a narcissist says something doesn't make it true. It’s okay to take your parent down from the pedestal and know that you are both humans, living on the same plane.

STEP 4: UNDERSTANDING WHAT PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIORS YOU HAVE DEVELOPED IN ORDER TO COPE WITH BEING IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP

Abuse can breed abuse; narcissism can breed narcissism. Narcissism develops from wounds of some kind. This means if you were raised by a narcissist, you must be very careful not to develop this problem yourself or the traits of this problem yourself. You may be thinking, “Oh I can't stand the narcissistic person my life; I don't want to be anything like them and would never be like them.”

That's good, but it is still important to be honest with yourself and consider if there are any ways of being you inadvertently acquired from being around a narcissist. At this point in the process hopefully you've done some work, have gotten support, and have built up your own strength. Having taken these action steps, hopefully you no longer feeling completely powerless or at least having enough strength to look within. Taking a self-assessment for personal inventory is again a strategy in 12 step programs. You may have developed some problematic behaviors to survive the situation as a child or as an adult to survive an abusive relationship. If you were raised by a narcissist, the narcissistic behavior was modeled for you and what you know. If you are in an adult relationship, you may succumb to the desire to “fight fire with fire.” Perhaps some unbecoming behaviors developed.

For example, you don't want to repeat narcissistic behaviors of:

• excessive attention seeking,

• invalidating others or putting others down,

• feeling you are more special than others (e.g., you can cut the line at the store because you’ve got an important place to be)

• struggling to give empathy or being somewhat cold/distant,

• (For instance, you may have learned to be distant because you learned not to trust your narcissistic parent; this distrust may have transferred to people in general. Others maybe pick up on that aloofness.)

• failing to understand your kids are their own people, insisting they learn the hobbies you like, taking credit for their successes

• telling others what to do,

• or trying to take advantage of others

These are just a few examples of behaviors to honestly reflect upon in your life. This is a later step for a reason. You really have to be in a good place emotionally to be able to tolerate doing this without judging yourself harshly and taking yourself into a more despondent place. Once you come to a place of feeling more comfortable and confident, it's an extremely important exercise to go through.

I recommend very highly a book called, Children of the Self-Absorbed, by Nina Brown. She did a fantastic job of walking children of narcissists through this process with quizzes and exercises. It's a wonderful book to guide you through this process gently.

I do sometimes end up working with people who know they have a narcissistic parent and then question if they are narcissistic too. This book will help you explore that question if you've been asking it.

STEP 5: PRACTICING ASSERTIVENESS

What better way to overcome powerlessness than to become assertive? Of course it's important to know what assertiveness is and what it is not. Assertiveness is when you clearly ask for what you need and want and stand up for yourself without stepping on someone else's toes. It's recognizing you are no better or worse than anyone else and that you do have rights.

I find people are scared to be assertive because they think it means being aggressive. They don't want to be aggressive because they view the narcissist as aggressive, and they don't want to be like the narcissist.

There is a distinction between assertive and aggressive. Picture a continuum. This continuum begins with passivity, then slides to passive aggressiveness, then to assertiveness, and finally to aggression. Being passive is problematic. It is an appealing choice for many because in the moment they are avoiding conflict, which they find frightening. Accepting whatever the situation is to avoid conflict is not healthy for you. It will leave you swallowing resentment. Eventually this resentment will transform into anger, depression, or anxiety. Also, passive aggressiveness is a poor strategy as your concerns and feelings are not dealt with in a constructive way. You may find relief talking or complaining to others rather than to the person directly. Or you may communicate in indirect ways by hinting or making snide remarks. Neither passivity or passive aggressiveness is acting in a way that shows you’ve claimed your power. Jumping over assertiveness in our continuum for now, let’s consider aggressiveness.

With aggressiveness, you've gone too far. You've verbally attacked. Your language is harsh. It might be loud. It's domineering. That is not healthy. It’s not collaborative or respectful. Yes, sometimes tensions build and statements are blurted out from a place of frustration or hurt, but this is unlikely to lead to a resolution.

The answer is in clear, direct, tactful assertion. You say exactly what you want and need. It’s a statement. A fact. It’s not a discussion. You are letting someone else know what you want very clearly. Of course, if you are dealing with someone who is reasonable there may be more of a discussion to reach a compromise. Yet even in that case, you must be clear with yourself as to what you want to gain from the negotiation. With assertion, you know what you want, and you declare it.

CONCLUSION

Hopefully these five broad steps for reclaiming power in narcissistic relationships will be helpful to you. These are my thoughts from education and clinical work.  There can of course be additional steps you might take to increase your feelings of power, confidence, and esteem. It is up to you to follow whatever makes most sense for you on your journey. As a psychologist, I believe DIY-ing this is too much for most; I’d recommend taking this journey with a trained and licensed professional of your choosing. If you would like to work with me, Dr. Alicia Rozycki, please feel free to reach out for a free 15 minute consultation.  

ABOUT THE AUTHOR,

ALICIA ROZYCKI, PhD:

Dr. Rozycki is a licensed psychologist and the founder of AROSE eTherapy®, an online therapy practice serving high achieving professional women and military affiliates including active duty, veterans, spouses, and government employees. Virtual sessions are available in Colorado, Florida, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. Learn more about Dr. Rozycki.