Codependency
CODEPENDENCY: POINTERS FROM CODEPENDENT NO MORE
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?
Over the years I have worked with many people who have traits of codependency or are codependent. As this is addressed, I often find that people are familiar with the term but really don’t know what is meant by it. I would argue it is a pop psychology term to describe someone who loses their sense of self in being obsessed with someone who themselves is struggling with a problematic behavior, usually an addiction. Although the term is commonly used in psychological circles, I still categorize it as pop psychology since the term codependency is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5 (DSM-5), the manual used by mental health professionals to make diagnoses. The closest term in the DSM-5 would be Dependent Personality Disorder but discussion of this term won’t be the focus of this blog. The definition, as I’ve stated it, may just sound like someone who is a caregiver. Yet, codependency is more than caregiving. The focus on others comes at a great detriment to the self in terms of losing all sense of self, failing to practice self-care, and unraveling to such a degree that the codependent person develops issues of their own.
In this blog, I’ll pull concepts from the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie; this book is fondly considered the “bible” of codependency and explains the construct better than most sources. It was groundbreaking since Ms. Beattie was the first to encapsulate information about this concept and provide strategies for overcoming codependent behaviors. She notes that codependency is not just about caring for troubled or needy people but also includes “silent rules” that keep all parties from discussing the true issues and problems, having honest communications, allowing for imperfections, and leaving room for having fun in life. She defines a codependent person as:
“one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” p. 34.
Ms. Beattie outlines common traits of codependency and provides examples along with the traits. Here are her traits along with a few examples:
CARETAKING
Feeling responsible for others’ feelings, actions, choices, destiny
Offering unsolicited advice
Feeling frustrated others don’t do the same for you
Saying yes when you want to say no
Feeling safest when giving
Abandoning your routine to take care of others
LOW SELF-WORTH
Coming from a repressed, troubled, or dysfunctional family and denying it
Rejecting compliments
Feeling not quite good enough
Feeling guilty doing for yourself or buying something for yourself
Having been victims of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or addiction
Fearing making mistakes
Feeling ashamed and guilty
Believing good things will never happen or believing you don’t deserve good things
REPRESSION
Pushing feelings and thoughts away out of fear or guilt
Fearing letting go and being your true self
OBSESSION
Feeling anxious about problems and people
Losing sleep worrying
Feeling unable to stop thinking and talking about others
Focusing all energy on others and their problems
CONTROLLING
Feeling afraid to let others be who they are and letting natural consequences and events occur
Failing to deal with your fear of loss of control
Feeling you know what’s best for others
Feeling controlled by other people and events
DENIAL
Ignoring and/or downplaying problems
Staying so busy that problems are avoided
Getting depressed or physically sick
Over working, overeating, over shopping—pretending these behaviors are not happening either
DEPENDENCY
Lacking happiness or contentment
Looking to externals for happiness like other people, places, things, and behaviors
Lacking love and approval from your parents
Lacking a sense of self-love
Seeking love from those who can’t give it
Believing others are never there for you
Worrying about whether others love or like you
Lacking confidence in your own ability to take care of yourself
Staying in relationships that don’t work or are abusive
POOR COMMUNICATION
Blaming
Threatening
Begging
Advising
Not knowing what you mean or knowing what you say
Failing to be direct in communications, like sighing instead of speaking
Saying what you think will please or provoke others
Talking too much or too little about yourself
Feeling your opinions don’t matter
Covering-up for others
Apologizing for bothering others
WEAK BOUNDARIES
Saying you won’t tolerate certain behaviors but gradually increasing tolerance until you do things you said you never would
Failing to stand up to others and then wondering why you get hurt by others
LACK OF TRUST
You don’t trust yourself—feelings, decisions
You don’t trust other people
You trust untrustworthy people
ANGER
Feeling scared, hurt, resentful, angry
Feeling afraid of your own and others’ anger
Believing other people make you angry
Crying and feeling depressed
Getting even with anger outbursts and more
Feeling guilty and ashamed for feeling angry
SEX PROBLEMS
Being a caretaker in the bedroom
Having sex when you don’t want to or when you’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved
Having a hard time asking to have your needs met
Withdrawing emotionally or sexually from your partner
Fantasizing about others or having affairs
MISCELLANEOUS
Feeling extremely responsible or irresponsible
Finding it difficult to feel close to others
Struggling to have fun and be spontaneous
Being passive—feeling hurt and helpless
Being aggressive—violent, angry, dominant
Vacillating in decisions and emotions
WHERE DOES CODEPENDENCY COME FROM?
In counseling, it seems people of all backgrounds are prone to codependency. I will say it seems most come from a family where addictions and dysfunctional behavior are common, but this is not the case for all. Some come from healthy, well-adjusted backgrounds. Some have experienced traumas but not all. Some seem to slip into codependency as they become involved in unhealthy relationships.
HOW DOES CODEPENDENCY MANIFEST?
The above list of traits indicates how codependency impacts a person’s life. The list is not all-inclusive. You can find additional traits in Codependent No More, other books, or on the Codependents Anonymous website. These traits can infiltrate a person’s life before they even realize the traits have taken hold. Some pick up these traits in childhood, so they may not know they have them and some slowly slip into them in adulthood. Codependent traits most commonly manifest in romantic relationships but can manifest in other relationships like parent-child relationships (in either direction), amongst siblings, or coworkers. Codependency can play out in the workplace, with codependents being overly responsible, micromanaging, critical, or doing the work of three when assigned to do the work of one.
HOW DO YOU LET GO OF CODEPENDENT TRAITS AND BEHAVIORS?
Do you recognize yourself in this blog? Don’t despair! There are ways to work through this. Hopefully this information moved you on to the first phase of working through it—awareness. You cannot fix what you do not realize is broken. The information here is just a beginning. If this spoke to you, continue your journey to educate yourself. Pick up a copy of Ms. Beattie’s book. In it she gives strategies for healing such as:
· Give yourself permission to detach and not feel guilty about it or responsible for others
· Learn to stop reacting to every action of others
· Trust that things will be as they are meant to without your involvement
· Break free of the victim mentality—you have choices!
· Stop rescuing others from the natural consequences of their own mistakes
· Learn to trust yourself--your feelings, intuitions, and thoughts
· Process old hurts from childhood—make peace there to avoid repeating patterns in the now
· Find your own way, internally, to find peace, well-being, and worth
· Get to know yourself—attributes, interests, wants, needs
· Grieve and practice acceptance of self and others
· Get comfortable with feelings—if you repress the negative ones, you’ll simultaneously repress the good ones
· Practice emotional honesty—acknowledge and express feelings appropriately
· Set personal goals
· Communicate effectively and with assertion
· Take a risk on intimacy
· Get financially responsible
· Practice forgiveness of self and others
· Practice self-love by making healthy food choices, exercising routinely, and getting proper rest
· Have fun!
In addition to education, seek out further support from those who understand. Attend a Codependents Anonymous Meeting (12 step program for codependency) or Al-anon Meeting (12 step program for friends and families of alcoholics). You can search for more information at coda ORG and al-anon. These groups offer support and understanding. Talking with others who can relate validates your distress and paves the way to healing. You can also try engaging with a therapist who is skilled in codependency recovery. Receiving an objective perspective and one-to-one support may be necessary as you learn a new way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. There is no reason to suffer when solutions are available.
BENEFITS OF ONLINE COUNSELING
Online counseling saves you time and energy as you access mental health care from your home or office without having to take time out to commute to and from the appointment. Relax in the comfort of your own space as you devote one hour to self-care. Secure platforms are used to protect your privacy. Research shows online therapy and in-person sessions are equally effective. So why not choose the more convenient option? Save time, gas, and minimize stress so that a one-hour appointment takes only one hour and not 3 with traffic.
BEGIN COUNSELING WITH AN ONLINE THERAPIST IN COLORADO, FLORIDA, MARYLAND, AND PENNSYLVANIA
If you’re tired of feeling overwhelmed, stop wishing and take an action towards change today! AROSE eTherapy® offers a Free 15-minute consult. If you would like to proceed to services after your consult, we’ll book you our next available initial appointment, and you’ll be on your way to healing!
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American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Beatty, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Hazelden Publishing.